Sunday, February 21, 2010

My heads messed up

I can't help myself!
I can't believe how slack I can be!!
I can't get my mind to focus on one thing!!!

I want this job! I do, I really do!! Either as a house parent or the co-ordinator (I've decided they best put someone with more experience in the family coach position, so that takes the pressure off... a little). So I'm applying for two jobs, wanting one just as equally bad as the other.

I want to work for this amazing organisation!

I want to work in Kowanyama...

Yup. I want to work in Kowanyama.

No I don't want to work so far away from all my friends, my unit (I'm seriously in love with this place and have thought up about 600 scenarios where I'd be able to keep it) and op shops.
Don't worry, my family would be in the list but I don't think the extra km's are really making that much more of a distance to the 1000's already there.

I'm not looking forward to never wearing a bikini again, or a singlet, or a halter dress, or anything that doesn't go past my knees! I'm not little miss immodest, but the heat is worse than here in the middle of summer! Winter? oh is that.... hmm... no, I don't know what that is.

I still want to go.

I still want to go even though EVERYONE has all fingers and toes crossed I learn from this process but don't get the job. No one is bothering to keep it a secret either.
Which IS great! Do you know how hard it would be thinking no one cared if I was to move out into the middle of nowhere? I'd probably have finished and mailed the application by now if that were the case.
I love knowing how much everyone wants me here with them.
It also makes every single step of the application the hardest thing on earth for me to do!!! All these things I'll miss if I get it keep going around and around in my head!!!!

I didn't sleep last night because my mind was working over time.
Didn't help there's a boy involved. Yup a boy. A boy who dumped me about 5 (yep FIVE) months ago. And I can't get him outta my head! Pathetic right? I did for awhile and then somehow he came crawling back in.
You know what would make it easier for me? If I could be secure in the knowledge that he didn't want me. No, last nights conversation (thank you Jack Daniels for lossening his tongue) made it very apparent his feelings had never changed. WHY?!!?? And yet on Tuesday he is going to come on over and help me apply for a job he doesn't want me to get.
Do you know why he is putting himself and me through all this stupid torture and hours of angst? Because he's under some impression I'm perfect. Yup. ME. Perfect! I'm nothing close to it. Maybe you could say I'm perfectly imperfect?
So thanks to my perfection (which no one else has yet seen) he has put me up on a pedestal to stay, up and beyond his reach. To be with him seems to be the only imperfect thing I could do, so for this reason alone am I to stay on the pedestal. STUPID BOY!!

But you know what? With all the craziness in my head, those kids still win out!
I'm still going to apply, no matter how hard it is.
And if I don't get a job? I'll be fine :)
I'll be able to stay and help all my friends with finger physiotherapy as they regain feeling into their now uncrossed fingers.
I'll savour every minute of the times I do spend in Kowanyama, content in knowing that they are the moments I've been given to brighten the kids lives.

But right now?
Right now, I want it.

1 comment:

  1. think of all the things you would have to buy me? to show me that you still love me, after you ditch me, leave me, all alone.